| Epiphany Of Sorts |
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| 09:59am 29/10/2009 |
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The Ohhhh moment/ guess knowledge is power/who would of thunk?/knowledge turning collective, unison that's when you get the thump/a glimpse of true reality/boy is it scary/but oh to see clearly/so worth it to see that the big things were just silly/free, believing that there is hope, possibilities/path attainable/now all explainable/can only go up/now can see through the dust of a false reality/true mentality/no more fallacies in the way/just a clear path/no traps/unless I slip/forget my glimpse and fall back down into the abyss/now it's up to me/since I see/a rare treat/now I know who I'm meant to be/the best of me/true me/true us/can't stop/won't stop till we reach the true us |
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| Hate, Hate, Hate Hate Hate |
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| 02:29pm 03/10/2009 |
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So yea. My mom asked me if anyone hates me because I make people the butt of all of my "jokes:, gasp!
Ever since a friend of a friend left a comment to me stating he wants me around so I can make fun of people I've been confused about the whole thing. I really never realized I was "that person" who tore other people apart for laughs. Through my eyes I was just going with the flow, never in my mind trying to be purposely malicious. I thought everyone was laughing so...and I've rarely been approached by anyone upset...so it's like ugh! But I really don't wanna be that person but now I feel like I'm always censoring my thoughts, when before it would just flow out. Yet I rather I not be "that person". |
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| Ughers |
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| 06:59pm 17/09/2009 |
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So yea. Who knew coming from hermit/hobo living would be so hard! To think before basically falling into school I was hoboing it for a year+....it's a bit overwhelming, I haven't been in a true school atmosphere in a bit! My english teachers sounds "bloo blah, blee blee blee, bloo" my spanish teacher sounds like "blahh blahh bloo blahhhh" im like ahhhh! I don't know if this serious case of ADD is something I've always had or if just the stress of getting back into the grind of things is making me all spacey!
It's a mix of having bad planning, rushing and pretty much horrible planning skills...
As if being totally lost in class wasn't enough I still haven't gotten books for the classes needing hundreds of dollars to even pull that off, so im already falling behind and with no more book loans avaiable and my fincial aid not arriving ti'll ocotober my options are super limited and it's super frustrating!
I'm super broke, like super broke, trying to budget $40 for food,transporation,etc ti'll Oct is no bueno!
My health is all out of wack! I've been eating like shit, people assume im healthy because im slim, ha! BS, im constantly tired and drained...it's annoying...
To make matters worse, after venturing from my cave in el monte I soon realize I have some type of anxiety are something, my self indenity and confidence got really fried there. I know i've been a shy person before but eh....I over-analyze things in my head way more now...this added with that fact of starting school, isn't going to swell...
In spanish the teacher was going around making everyone say "Mi Amo" and their names...
As he was coming to me i'm all sweating, heart-beating, im all "mi mi a a amo da..." stuttering all oopid! lol...I actually had to start over...I need to squash that quick...maybe if I look less like a cave-man it would help....
I'm starting to think if I just go way over my head, or maybe i'm just being lazy....
I could super-grind, exercising any resource I could to get the money....go to the library scan and copy books to do work....but ughhh even if I did im still suffering with class.... I dunno....I really went into this with no real plan and now im a full-time student with no income or resources
Well I gotta come up with something, I know one of the main reasons my mom let me move in with her is because im going to school....though im thinking about dropping some of these classes to the shame of family and friends...
Ugh I just hope I make the right decision and from the right place
Atleast im enjoying music class.... |
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| In My Own Reality |
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| 09:58pm 08/09/2009 |
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So yea. Livejournal how i've missed you...it's been much to long...only now am I realizing I need you in my life.
Right now im on a new path in my life, hopefully a positive one. I moved back in with my mom of all places with my twin sister residing here also, and most nights my nephew. I enrolled at the local community college taking any classes I could get, English 1a,music(flute),spanish and body building (heh heh).
The move was abrupt but I felt like I had to escape the negative portal I was residing in and fast. The feeling of losing yourself is a scary thing, especially when your already confused who your self is to begin with!
How it began...
Looking back it's sad how I seem to repeat the same cycle over...and over...and over...I think i've woken up and won't make the same mistakes, I feel liberated...for like a day....I can pinpoint my downfall into the abyss.
Fresh off the obama road trip I was on my high horse, thousands of dollars, infinite possibilities....oooo! New iphone, yay new macbook pro! I'm taking a trip! San Francisco, i'll just buy a few things, like this, and that, and this, this this this this.I've got "plenty" to spend. Mmmm this weed brownie is good....um, where is my iphone? You broke my laptop....how? It's cool i'll just check my bank account and....oh...im broke. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN...eh....
I turn full hermit, hung on a bit to life outside the cave for a bit on my laptop but once that was destroyed....
I lived in my own pity, smoked and smoked and smoked to make my new mundane life more interesting, I accepted that this was my life, I made believe like it was what "I" wanted....it became a blur.
Lots of screaming, lots of yelling,witnessing lots of sadness, of course some laughs in there to. I was full absorbed into their family...the good...and the bad. I turned into a zombie, went on auto-pilot, slipped into fantasy world in a future I only dreamed about.
Then the realizations came, I wonder if they saved me. Were in a typical cleaning routine so we wouldn't get in trouble, they accuse me of not helping, I snap, I snap BAD! I became someone I never was, it scarred me...
I start to exit the cave, my friends tell me i've been gone for a year....I think their kidding at first..."No david you left last Christmas".....has it really been that long? A year went by....a blur....
Coming out I thought things would be the same, but oh how things change. Reality hits, actuality. I was really living in my own reality.....friends...different, family...different
I tell myself I won't leave my second family in tell they are happy, as if I can save them, I soon realize nothing can change for the better unless I change myself...and oh how much work I need for self....
So now here I am, trying to realize who I am, who I was and who I'm going to be. |
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| Incubation |
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| 07:04am 27/02/2009 |
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music: Knaan "Waving Falg" Akon "Day Dreamin" 30h!3 "Rich Man"
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So yea. I think most people don't even have time to think. No literally I mean it, I don't think most people have the opportunity to sit down, clear their head and think. It's almost a luxury,no really it is a luxury, why else would someone spend thousands to go to a exotic island to just sleep on the beach, kickback, relax, and enjoy? Heck, I can do that in a warm bath listening to some good tunes.
I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity, but sadly at the expense of others. I could easily be described as a leech, as I lived in my own fantasy world trying to gobble up all the "good sensations" as I could I didn't realize it I was doing it at someone else expense. Jumping from sister to sister, now currently feeding off a family that has took me in.
Though having the opportunity of something that needed should be a human right not a luxury I've put so many things into perspective. A realization of this world I'm living in, what it is all about,how I'm in the middle of a huge change in history, what I have to do to succeed,and how to make it better for others.
Realizing that my childhood to adulthood would be categorized as being "poor", was it hard? Yes, only realizing that basic human needs such as creativity,thinking,love,passion,knowledgeable only be easily obtained with regards to a higher income. I don't think it's any for any of these things to go when the only thing on your mind is how will you survive till the next month.
Realizing we all judge others based on our own fears and insecurity and now with dealing with someone who wants to bring negative energy my way I can let it roll off my shoulder because I know they must have a much sadder story.
Realizing that I would love a income not just for the brand name car or clothes but to opportunity to try news things and go new places and experiencing it with my friends and family all while looking in a style I want and feel comfortable for pennies on the dollar.
Many realizations that I feel could make me a better person and prosper with hopes of creating a positive impact.
Having the feeling that nothing can hold you back is an intense great feeling but oh so temporary, if it's not one thing is the next. I just hope on the cusp of this change I can feel all around me I can foster this drive I have into something REAL. No more self-pity, no more putting it off.
Well this is going from a release, to a rant...but I don't care, haha...
I've avoided live journal for the fact that I feel like a fraud every time I use it. Only to update it when something dramatic happened in my life and I need to vent. Well HELL! That is what a journal is for...the only thing is that I tell myself I will leave it public....this is the real me for all eyes to see...
Though that would not be fully be true in my mind.....would I dare write my true deep inner-thoughts....events in my life I decide not to post because someone might find them..."taboo"...uhh no.
I've seen others here and there let out a shred of these things....and I see...their only human, I'm only human. I feel like trust will only be the key to what I'm ready to reveal, true-self.
I'm scared but also hopeful for my future, I'm try to declare to myself and anyone who will listen. I'm going for it. |
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| Crazy Cat |
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| 09:17pm 12/12/2008 |
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So yea, seriously, ok im stoned but still listen....why am I high right now...in a room....there is a kitten...a baby cat...outside the door and it literally seems like its trying to open the door....he is like...jumping at the knob...*gulp*....when I was making a sandwich it started acting funny in the living room...running in circles.....meowing...all weird...you know like the one that sounds like a baby moan...like weird...so im actually kind of scared so I run into the room and close the door....and you hear *thump!* like it ran into the door after me..... |
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| Pith |
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| 03:51pm 24/11/2008 |
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music: 3OH!3 - Don't Trust Me - Listen if you like electric/indie/hip hop
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I'm ashamed that I can barely call myself a gamer for not knowing that a Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe fighting game was made.
Adding to my memory bank that each individual has their own path, so not everything is for everyone. A positive for me can be a negative for you.
Realizing more and more how lazy I am/was and how lucky I am/was.
I like my new little word: Urban-Hippie!
Last thing...Family is REALLY important. |
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| Frisco |
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| 11:49pm 21/11/2008 |
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So yea. Im In san fran...whoa. I just took a bite of a weed brownie I got from like botanist, I will explain the effects later and my interesting trip here so far, hella...hyphy.. |
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| My Barack Obama Road Trip |
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| 03:42pm 10/11/2008 |
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So Yea. Been awhile eh? First let me say im typing this from my new laptop...macbook...I converted! mhm! Im lovin it...but yea....
About 3 weeks ago I was literally living on the street (how do I get myself into these situations? Hmmmm) and did not know what the next step was going to be.
Well my dad contacted me and my brother kevin about traveling around in a RV with him....my dad is a wholesaler, basically he will sell whatever is hot...obama was hot. He sells obama shirts and decided to follow obama to almost nearly rally he did. Well I hoped on the oppurtunity...and well...living in a RV with 4 hetero men including my muslim dad I barely know, my two brothers and a random guy called umar. To say the least it was an amazing experience for more reasons then one.
First, my dad, ha. To actually hang out with my dad was eye opening, to see yourself in him...it was so weird. I get alot of my traits from my dad something I did not know at all.
Traveling with my brothers was awesome....just seeing who they are...it's someone similar to you on a whole other path....they are a trip.
Living in a hetero world was interesting...I think I adapted well enough, ha. One thing I did notice...guys SO MUCH like girls though some might not admit.
Traveling the united states...wow. Did I ever think I would have the oppurtunity? NO! Chicago,Miamia,Philadelphia...these were amazing places and just to see how everything is different, the cultures, the bulidings the landscape. It really just opens your mind to so many things with not having the limitations of what i've only see in my california bubble.
To be part of history..attending the rallies with soooooo many people, wow. To hear obama speak....to be in chicago when he was annouced the winner while surrounded by a million people. Amazing. To be part of it in such a weird amazing way, ugh I will never forget it...
So much happend..from my near several car accidents from my dad allowing me to drive a giant RV with a huge cargo truck on the back....two my brothers fighting...police involved and to see my brother speak up about it and actually having some of the wounds heal....to all the weird quirky people I met.....hm, I will never forget it....
Now that I have another chance you can say....i'm going to take it...i want to expierence more of what I tasted..and im going to have to work hard for it! |
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| new york, philadelpa, north carolina, florida |
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| 07:19am 20/10/2008 |
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So yea! Life is Ä funny thing and I wll admit im loving...I hit another low in my life which was my own doing. Jobless....homeless...cashless....no idea what my next move was going to be. Well my dad came out of no ωнモЯモ offering to take me and my brother to follow obama. My dad has sold things all his life riight now he is following obama across states to his different rallies..in Ä rv. I am living in Ä rv with my dad, two brothers, and some random dude. So far....interesting. Right now im ∀т Ä rest stop in tampa flordia and will be going to orlando tommorow....Ä few days ago I never dreamed of actually being in new york and now I've been in several states....to hear obama talk ∀т Ä nearby stadium while hawking his shirts....awesome....I could be on the road for Ä month Õя more...lets see ＨÕω this turns out |
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| EBT |
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| 07:13pm 07/10/2008 |
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So yea, about to go use my food stamps and buy some sushi from ralphs....E,B,T BABY! |
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| Oh So Drama |
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| 06:40pm 24/09/2008 |
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So yea. Has your life ever been positive and have just gone smoothly for like 3 months straight? Doubtful! It sucks...
Sometimes I just want to save up some cash and move to hawaii or some island paradise and open up a snowcone stand with tons of exotic flavors! Hm maybe...
I went to an audition today, yes an audition. When I was looking for jobs on craigslist I ran into a post asking for gamers to be on a reality show about 15 gamers living in a house to see who is the "top gamer" even cornier it's called game quest. Anyway, I sent my pics saying they needed a gay gamer..gaymer..to rep...well they actually called me back and...
Well I went to hollywood and went into a studio, I tried to tell myself not to be nervous...didn't happen.
First I had to play some games which I sucked on most of them, im a nintendo gamer mostly, not xbox. After that they took a few pics of me and then..eh...
I had to sit infront of the camera and he bombared me with all these questions...I felt so dumb because I had to repeat each question he asked me....if he asked me "why should you be in the house" I was supposed to say "Why should I be in the house? I think I should be in the house..." I was so nervous I couldnt even do that!
It was fun though...lol...I regret being so nervous! Fudge! Could of been a cool oppurtunity! |
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| Proof All People Are Weird.... |
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| 03:49am 05/09/2008 |
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I'm high right now and since I am a super web surfing geek I found this site:http://www.dogpile.com/info.dogpl/searchspy/
It shows what people are looking for live...like live tv, lol. Things So Far?
Arms
mom licks daugther
link humper
That's a just a few...I notice people search alot about sex....after sex it's asking about how to solve a problem which makes me sad because spend alot of time in are lifes focusing on another problem to solve...
avril lavinge upskirt? lol |
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| Information really is power.... |
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| 04:22am 31/08/2008 |
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Regarding religion a bit...
If there is a god...which I won't go into detail about that...but if there is a god...I'm 99% not worried being condemned to hell,judged, etc....why? From what I read about him....from all religions...what ever they consider or call their higher entity...I think the entity will totally understand why I am a little...unsure. |
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| Ravers & Hippes |
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| 04:20am 31/08/2008 |
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Ravers are so the 21 Century Hippies, or atleast influenced by it. |
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| Nephew |
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| 05:15pm 29/08/2008 |
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Today I was explaining that my nephew is always randomly inslunting and then giving me a compliment that I never know what is going to come next....his reply "Yea it's like a incompliment", lol. Trip....only maybe because im high. |
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| Work Life |
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| 09:16pm 28/07/2008 |
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So yea. I've been working as a dishwasher for a few days now...and...im liking it. Ofcourse it isn't the greatest but it's a cool job so far...
It's at a fine dining resturtnt opening on colorado in pasadena, I think it's gonna be pretty popular. It's very...diffrent from my other jobs. They emphasize getting along...team work...being friendly...being family. I think who you work with really effects your moral...and these people are awesome..so far. lol. It's pretty awesome because were all new...and the resturant isn't even open yet...so were all fresh and new...
I hope to move up the ranks....im even thining of going to school for bartending, hahaha.....
Ofcourse I already have a CRUSH...duh...well there is about 80 of us...all working in the resturant right now....well anywaze my crush's name is BEAR..yes bear...on his name tag its..bear. Ugh that is hot alone...but he is like this huge guy...exotic looking, YUM. But there is actually a few cuties....muahahaha.
I already have a few "friends"...but I think im going to enjoy it while I figure out what I wanna do with my life...I have to move soon...*gulp*.....it's gonna be hard work...but yea....I can do it.... |
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| Camping |
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| 08:29pm 21/07/2008 |
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So yea. Alot has been going on with me.....alot. Yet I have to touch on the camping trip I went on a few weeks ago...wow.
I went with nathan and a few of his friends, the campsite was lake perris. While druving over there I wasn't to excited..it looked like a barren waste land, yet it turned out pretty cool. Are campsite was decked out with two huge speakers and a strobe light, I loved it. We started attracting all these types of people, like from super strict familes and small towns. I love intereacting with them, how they all have stories and see things so diffrently. One girl looked at a joint and said "I don't know what that thing is!" um wow. Well we also attracted a few..not so cool people.
Some idiot who was at are campsite..decided to be a idiot and talk shit to these gangters from pacoima. Which totally killed by energy and my chances with this fine ass football player. DAMN! Well yea the gangsters came back and one of them punched this guy square in the face yet he still kept talking shit. Later on while most of us were in the tent sleeping they decided to come back again, this time with guns and knifes. My heart was beating and I was actually scared for my life, I thought atleast one person would die before the nights end. They just jacked the people outside and stole the generator...tight camping trip.
Well I have a job now, a dishwasher at this fine dining resturant. I think im gonna have fun there and Im just ready to work hard..I don't mind starting at the bottom...they only serve dinner so I have so much time and I think I decided to go to school for culinary arts...they are already asking me about advancing since that is how it usually happens. Seems to make since. It's kind of exciting to be do something with my life...Im even talking with someone about movining into their pad while I go to school, my own room..paying rent..sounds cool... |
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| Electric Daisy Carnival |
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| 10:49am 30/06/2008 |
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So Yea. I went to my first rave and I already knew it would have a big impact on me. It was amazing, to say the least.
We left a bit late and had to endure a HUGE line but the energy was already there...this connective energy everyone had. It was awesome when a mini-bottle of alchohal flew up randomly out the crowd and I caught it. A group of people behind me cheered me to down it, so ofcourse I did!
It was still daylight when I got in, it started off us mostly trying to connect with the people we were supposed to be with, actually that was alot of the night. There was only a few hours of daylight left which was cool to see all the interesting types.
When night fell and I was...in that zone. WOW! I expierenced so many things that I could only describe as supernatural. A point when I closed my eyes and I could hear everyone talking around me in a small radius sounding like 100 conversations at once. Feeling the energy of every single person around me, postive energy. At one point I felt and heard a wave of energy that went across the crowd, I asked nathan "What was that?" He said it was the energy. Looking up at the sky and feeling like we were in a own little planet the clouds perefectly circuling the stadium. Turning around and being able to randomly talk to someone and never seeing them again in the next second. Getting on that crazy carnvial ride and watching the others on it revert back to kids while we all giggled and how they were all the diffrent types, loved it.
Let me touch on the diffrent types...wow. White,black,latino...punks..cholos...preppy. All side by side enjoying everything and anything. Seeing all these types in one place opened my mind completely. I could understand so many things...religion...racism...people. It was crazy.
The positive energy and just to be able to talk to complete strangers...I no what hippies felt like. If you saw someone sad you would walk up to then and pat them on the back and ask if they were alright.
My eyes were exposed to so MANY things, that opend my mind. Ugh I can't explain and....one point when confetti was all over the sky and the lights hit it just right and the music was flowing and the crowd was jumping and everything went into slow motion. How can you describe that?
When a hip-hop song came on and looking around every one getting down to it no matter how they looked, everyone just enjoying it.
I think the rave expierence is not the physical aspect or the music. It's so many diffrent types of people coming together with a postive energy and weird and crazy things happen. Love it. |
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