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Untwisted   
04:02pm 11/02/2012
  woke and it dawned on me that people come at and treat me twisted because I act twisted. There is no integrity or consistence. I wish to be treated like a proper mature adult yet I still act immature in many ways, not immature is a bad connotation way. Things are immature at times in their lives. I mean if I tease someone, and they tease me then or at a later point I am angry. I don't treat people as I want to be treated.

I've always molded my persona to meet others needs and expectations so I go a bit haywire when I'm not sure want to present and things get crossed. A person can want different things from me at different points and I try to become those things totally ignoring my true being.

It's easy when its done through passing, everyone tweaks their persona a bit but living with someone its really in my face because I'm trying to juggle all these persona at the same time with no escape.

I just want to be genuine me and that's how I want to go through life. I mean if I'm performing that's a different story but I don't want to act I just want to be.

Yet it's like I'm only recently connecting to myself, that sense of self. I'm not sure I had it...well it's wasn't strong. I feel like when coming into myself I came in to my conciseness. Before I was more sway-able to the energies and attitudes around me yet I feel more....stable in myself...it's like..what do 'I' think. When I look in the mirror I realize I'm a individual yet I didn't know I was one nor acted like one.

Then the fact that with my own issues of self-worth and insecurities I've always molded my self to be more appeasing usually comprising myself. Being overly agreeable, telling people only what they wanted to hear when I thought the opposite. All to stay in their grace. Yet if I'm already in grace...it's I'm already fine as me...just as I am...why and I still be fake. Well....I know I am fragile now...which is actually giving me a blessing in a way. I'm more sensitive to the fact I was doing this my whole life when before I just did it without a second guess.

People have these ideas of me....these projections they place on me...which I can't even put blame on them because I contort myself to meet those ideas and projections. When I try to step out of them I am met with subtle or overt hostility. It keeps me in place, I feel like I can't come into myself.

I want to run like usual but this is the world I live in.I'm sure I can find a peaceful sanctuary somewhere but for how long? I'm tired of bending to hostilities when I need to just be resolute in myself and when I do find myself in that state people come at me in that way.

When I act like I should be respected, people respect me. When I at scared, people scare me. Yet many times I was scared for different reasons, falling out of grace, literally scared from physical hostility.

I've always wanted people to treat me in a way when I need to present myself in a certain way....not in a facade way...I need to shine me...myself in a resolute way.

It's like a hobo expecting to be treated like a CEO and getting frustrated and mad when he is not and doesn't understand why.

From my upbringing I realize I had a sort of Isolated exsistance and I realize why I have problems socially, I'm trying to fit into a culture that is alien to me. Yet I didn't know this and was just hard on myself for being so awkward and not fitting in when I should of been more understanding of my life and the reasons why. 

It really dawned on me when I met a girl from another country. She was filled with anxiety and stress and said something about how it's hard to fit into American culture. One, I didn't even realize there was distinct cultures in that sense. I to realized I was trying to fit in.

I don't plan to conform, I'm already influenced by it and I don't truly fit.   Yes I realize I can integrate myself better but I don't have to let it envelop me.

It makes me realize that depth of moving and experiencing different places and what kind of impact of being cultured and seasoned can have on you.

I don't want to be stuck in this city I grew up in. Nobody changes here, it's just the same. You need sands of change and experience to help mold you who you are.

Anywho, I know a part of me is just becoming more settled in myself and embracing it and applying my life story to glean more understanding as to where and why I am....though I feel like I've barely met myself which makes sense I suppose.

 
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Unicorn Unify   
11:02am 03/02/2011
  Long ago we walked away from the source. The beating heart of the universe. Home.

Unicorn took the path with us, strong in deed, filled with compassion.

We lost connection...divided and separated.

We went in the four directions, learning, gaining wisdom of the four corners.

We lived the stories of life of separation from one another, our true natures, and the source and what it brings.

Now, a new light shines on the horizon.

Unicorn steps forward, bringer of news of the time to return to oneness once again. To go home.

We come together once again. Bringing new wisdom and strength.

To return to nature, our true natures, to the rhythm of oneness which connects us to the ALL.

Let us walk with unicorn now. To reunify once again. Toward to light, back home. As ONE.
 
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Awakening   
10:56am 03/02/2011
 

These last few years have been a journey...a journey of up and downs, feelings & intensities.

 

A journey that has granted me so many realizations and views. My world view is different. Changed. My Universal view.

 

I have a strained relationship with terms and labels. I've seen the power they can have, to divde and seperate, or do we just give them their power. Anywho to not stray to much...

 

It's not to hard for me to say I have experienced a spiritual awakening. 133.

 

Not just discovering spirit and all that has come with it but realzing I have been asleep on some level, vastly asleep.

 

It's like I was in a churning sea of energy and confusion. Lost in a fog.

 

Now it's like the fog is lifting...and I can see a light...a star in the horizon. Love. Home.

 

In the darkness I didnt' have a good sense of this world, what it was about. Who and what I was about.

 

Now it's like the puzzles picies are coming together and with it a new light in myself. A new vision.

 

Since the moment I felt like I had a rebirth of sorts....I have transformed not only spirtually, but mentally, physically and emotionally. I guess I can say I changed in my practical ways.

 

I guess it all ties...into this new consciousness. Thee Consciousness? My Consciousness.

 

With it comes recognition. Of the All. Of the light & love.

 

I know it sounds gushy, but truly. I feel underlying everything...there is a new lightness, a new love. I approach everything differently. 

 

It was doesn't feel like a discovery, but a re-discovery. Like I'm finding the magic of the universe again.

 

I am rediscovering my self, all the facets regardless of time and space. I am rediscovering our universal nature. Our eternal connection to the source, our connection to one another. Our oneness.

 

I am rediscovering our story. Our mission. Awakening to my divinity and to where "I" am in time and space on this journey. Amazing doesn't begin to describe.

 

I feel this happening. On so many levels.

 

On one level I'm like "Wow, so I am loved? There something to that word "god", There is source, there is power. Wait, it recognizes me? Wait this is...real... wait, what's real?.....this isn't it? This is it? So I'm a soul?"

 

The thing is....I really do feel like I have entered a new phase in my life. I look back on the previous phase...a previous life....and feel like it was a phase I needed to go through...I did, it...I made it through, now it's a new life, the next phase on this earth walk.

 

When I went through my rebirth, it's as if flames consumed old tethers on me that had a large part of how my life played out to that point and some after. I don't know to call it karma, but old feelings...memories...fears...mindsets...programs...illusions. 

 

This...transmutation...enabled healing in me on so many levels...heart,mind,body,soul....and since then...it's as if consciousness is growing within me. This consciousness, that just screams life, but also wisdom and love. I feel connected gain. To the source. To all.

 

When I think of my previous years...I think of a cat longing for freedom in the wild...in nature...in life and love...but instead is in a cold...metal box...with little light...filled with fear and confusion....and just numb.....apathetic. LOST.

 

I am a spiritual being. Who would of thought?

 
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rebirth   
11:37pm 29/08/2010
 
mood: joyful
Where do i begin? i have been on a journey and a half with many revelations on the way. reflecting on it now, its almost shocking. starting from the first turning point in el monte to, to moving into my moms house, to now in my own place. i am truely a new person, new mindset, new view, new direction, new conscinouess and new life. i am reborn. its like im seeing the full picture, the story of my life for the first time. it all makes sense. only now do i recognize the struggle and the pain. experiecing the peaks and valleys of life would be an understatement...and i don't regret one bit. i am awake now, and i consider it all an experience, of learing and strength. i've learned so much of coruage and patienc, fear and pain, love and hate, about myself, about others and the divinity of the universe. i found myself, i found my strength,i found my voice. i feel like this is such an ending but also a new start, a new beginging. dahamu willl never end, i am dahamu, but i am also so much more. i realize that now.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
 
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Spirit Beads   
07:22pm 30/05/2010
  My dreamin, Angela was all muscled out. Aboriginal people eating people, their spirits contained into colour unqiue beads.  
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Writer's Block: Mind reader   
11:22am 14/05/2010
 
In three words, describe what's currently running through your mind.

Change Evolution metamorphosis
 
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That Tree   
01:44pm 25/04/2010
  Me and Ganja have had an interesting relationship so far. I would get into fights with her sometimes, blaming her for all some of my issues. My current conclusion, and I do mean current since I've find it constantly changing. One moment I'm swearing off of marijauna saying IT MAKES ME this way or do these things. The others I'm preaching the benefits of it. Well my current conclusion is it is a medicinal herb. A powerful medicial herb. Maybe even sacred. The first time I took shrooms I knew it was a powerful sacred plant. Not so much with MJ since maybe it has recreational ties with it so much.

Almost a year ago MJ started having not so fun effects on me, it started with a bit of paranoia. Soon it was just to intense. I tried it many many many times after, hoping I could just go back to how it was before. When it was SO FUN and enjoyable. Being a bit hardheaded it didn't really work out that way. Still through much trial and error I realize my problem was with me alone and MJ kind of enchanced what was already there. MJ really expands my mind and also my senstivity level increases, which is not very pleasurable when your already have anxiety and down in general. It really can expand my mind to another level, a level my mind and body are not on, which really recks me and takes my mind for a spin.

I'll never give up on the herbal though but I have to approach it right, I have to educate myself on the herb, treat it like a "drug", I wouldn't just take a random pill from someone, and MJ is so expansise now each time I take a random toke it can have a unknown effect on me. It will be a bit hard, I think I was dependent on the plant for a bit, maybe that's why I kept running to it hoping it would have the same effect, though I think I have to work my issues out myself, or atleast I know what specific strain can help my specific issues. Plus I'm so down to try different edibles, YUM!
 
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Transitory   
02:46pm 12/04/2010
  So yea.

I've avoided my journal, I didn't really think to deeply of the reason that might be. Though I can attritube some of it to the feeling that I've changed so much over the past year or so I feel as if I can't fit everything into DAHAMU. I'm a lot more reflective then ever, as if on another level and it involves a lot of exposing my inner life/me. I felt like that was my DAHAMU journal was about but I guess I wasn't really going this deep in my psyche. Even though I could just  put all sort of privacy settings, DAHAMU persona just still feels so exposed, as it should be and it's almost like an old skin, I'm ready to shed into something new to fit this new phase that I feel I'm in/entering.

I think or hope what will remedy this is just to create two journals, one like my original of my daily adventures & observations and the sort and one of inner thoughts and reflections,musing,poems and that sort of thing.

1444 - Syncro

Soonish
 
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I am not my thoughts, I am my intetions and actions.   
02:02pm 19/03/2010
  I am not my thoughts, I am my intentions and actions.

It's been about a month since I put out that I was going off-track. About a month. Yet I am pretty much in the same situation as before. I say I am not my thoughts because I ponder all the things I can accomplish, I dream about all the things I can do....I'm aware of how blessed I am to even be in this situation, I understand the only thing to fear is fear itself, and I know all my insecurities are unfounded in the reality that I know. Yet here I sit.

I say  I am my intentions and actions because if I put all of this knowing into positive action I could move forward and higher. Though I guess it's not that simple.

It's like my higher thoughts are disconnected from myself. My complete self. My self...body....or whatever I can call it is still ingrained with my old habits, pains and fears.

By knowing all this I still continued down my same negative path and that's a scary thing. To know I can almost unknowingly slip back into the dark place I was before. Sitting at the computer screen munching away reloading the same web pages over and over again, nothing productive, to have a "wait, what am I doing?!" moment was almost surreal. As if coming out of a fog. A month? wow.

I'm basically a pro at convincing myself to what I was doing was not completely destroying my climb back up to even this level. Do I not know I am not out of the woods yet? That I can get lost at anytime if I am not concionously on MYSELF.

Though I must not discredit myself fully. I rarely, rarely, reflect on my journey to this point and it's a know wonder I am the way I am. All this time of reflection has helped me so much, to put things into perspective and it has totally changed my perception. Everyday I learn more about myself and the world and the recongition of how blessed and loved I am (let me add I'm surprised how "religious" i sound) I am re-energized to take on the world.

Though I DO NOT have this luxury. For it is a luxury, my mom doesn't have the luxury to sit on a computer all day searching her every whim. To reflect on her past,present and future. Hell, to even relax.

These past few years, I've broke down...I was broken. I was lost. Almost for good, who knows. Now as I climb out of the abyss I am repaired daily but I am not complete, it feels SO close, though I now know it's a constant will to be and stay "complete".

I feel all the pressures, real or imagined pushing me out the door sometimes I doubt if I'm ready, but  I DO NOT have that luxury. This is bigger then me. It's not about what I wants anymore, I thank my and global ancestors now because they didn't have the luxury to want. My mom doesn't have the luxury. My brothers and sisters struggling don't have the luxury.

Though from all my blessings and the things I've have learned I do have hope I can make it. I'm in a much better place then I was before and I get better everyday because I stay positive and strive to be in a better place. Yesterday was the first day in a long time, hell that I can even remember where I felt so connected, so plugged into the positivity of this world. While before I was on the other side of the spectrum, I felt disconnected and detached.

So I guess I'm saying I guess get back up and dust myself off yet again, and I'm going to get up and dust my self off as many times as I need to and I am going to face my fears head on and watch them disappear like clockwork.

Peace & Blessings
 
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Writer's Block: Paint the town green   
11:15am 17/03/2010
 
Do you plan on celebrating St. Patrick's Day? If so, how? What memories and feelings do you associate with this holiday?

Nothing majorly for sure other then maybe if it was school related. I did have a flash of a childhood memory today of all the kids after school looking in the grass for three leaf clovers.  It's kind of cool that a big part of Ireland's culture has made in impact in the USA, California, heh heh.
 
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Ow   
06:38pm 27/02/2010
  Ow. I've headache for almost a month now, literally a month! It's not like a pounding headache but more like this constant pressure headache in my forehead, and my forehead is always slightly warm....! It's really messing with my concentration, the more I try to concentratethe more it seems to suppress it, it's really weird. I have a habit of letting things just go on and I don't what this to be one of those cases where it could get worse if there is a possible easy fix. It actually started after I got the H1N1 vaccine but I dunno if im just being paranoid tying it to that. Anyway if I have the opportunity i need to SPEAK UP on it because these days I need the most concentration I can get.

Lately it has been really stressful, lots of stressful moments with my mom. I love her but I really have to get out of here. It's kind of sad to even put it out there but I really don't know my mom. Like, I don't know her. As far as I can think  back we've been detached from my mom and now I'm in "her world" and it's kind of a mindfuck sometimes. Like "that's how you think?" or "Ohhhh I get it now" it's kind of eye opining.

Though I know I don't have it bad at all, if I get on my game, I wouldn't even be worrying about it. I would be out, making money, shopping...living life.

It just sucks because before I was soooo chill, just a chill person. Now my fuse is super short. Though I guess it's kind of normal, I've been avoiding life/reality for a long time, now I get why everyone is so stressed the hell out.
 
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Off Track   
12:11pm 24/02/2010
  I'm about to put myself on blast right now, I think it's what I need. I've been through a lot to get to this point, a lot. I actually got my CNA certificate! Which was something I was hoping to get for a while, something I wasn't sure was going to happens several months ago. Yet I'm stuck in that rut again. This seems to be the point I hit, that glass ceiling, but the glass ceiling is my own manifestation.

The past weeks my mom goes to work and I hop on the computer. I make all sort of excuses for myself, 'I'll just chill for a few days and wash clothes then look for a job' or 'I deserve a little break' or 'I'll look for jobs online' and ofcourse my seemingly favorite 'just one more day won't hurt'...ehhhhh.

Though now I can see what aspects are stopping me from pursing that next level, a level that's so important to reach. The next level toward....independence something I sadly realize I never really had much of, I've been throwing around the word co-dependence in my head for a while with all the self-reflecting and research I have been doing. Anyway....

Those same fears I've harbored my whole life are still stopping me from reaching my goals! The I'm not good enough, they won't like me syndrome.

I fear I won't be good enough when hired, I fear I don't know everything or enough. I have thoughts of "they wouldn't hire a black person, the seniors wouldn't have it!" I'm scared of the social interaction, I'm scared of how I will be perceived.

I always recall the day I was going to that marketing assosciate interview, I literally started walking back to the bus before I even got in the door. It was in a trendy spot of hollywood, why would they ever hire ME! But I sucked it up, decided what's the worst that could happen I came this far...went in and aced the interview.

A few days ago when I did leave the house before my mom got home I walked passed two places and didn't go in because they looked to nice, to upscale...for me.

The only hope I have in all of this is that I'm aware of it now, before I wasn't it and it ruled my whole life. I feel like if can break through this glass ceiling that really isn't even thereI can move to that next level.

I know I have worth....I know once I put my heart and mind and will into something I can accomplish massive things. Ugh maybe I know but I don't belivie? I think that's the key....do I really BELIVIE these things. Maybe I am scared to take that next step....I have it way to comfortable in my mom's pad not paying rent, chowing down on the internet away from the "cruel" world.

It's like these old patterns and habits are so hard to shake, like I'm aware they are outdated...and they aren't relevant anymore...yet....ugh it's so ingrained in me, I dunno.

Though I'm not giving up, I need to put in place everything I learned on my journey up to this point, and it has been so many magnificent divine things guiding me to this point, just that power in that I shouldn't fear ANYTHING.

I feel like a stone slab sitting in this seat sometimes, just how aware I am that my mom works so hard, which she has been doing her whole life to raise eight of us, she has been through the MOST. More then I could ever probably handle, and here I sit.

Ugh i'm tired of these false mindsets ruling  me, I need to realize I have no more excuses and to FACE my fears(which are mostly illusions anyway), head up! My mom is a warrior and I need to channel her! 

I look down and see these are steps I have taken before going off my correct path, I need to re track before it's to late.

I still have problems living in the future, when I need to focus more on the here and now and the steps to get to my dreams. If I believe I'm worthless, I would be right, if I believe I have worth, I would be right.

Here's hoping....ugh no more hoping, here's to me getting it together, I need to take control. It's all in my hands and always has been.

 
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Who are you?   
12:42pm 16/02/2010
  "Who are you?" That's the question that got me to this point. It's the question that triggered this mindfuck whirlwind of a journey. It was EDC, and I made it a point to go not just because it was my 2nd anniversary rave but to escape the now looking back from outside of it,own kind of hell. A recluse leaving his cave looking to reconnect....to anything!

My body was tight, ridden with anxiety, mind racing like it had been for months leading up to the event. In this weird uncomfortable place that I couldn't describe or wrap my mind around. People were rolling, I can't remember if I was at that point. Heather, oh beautiful wondrous goddess heather. She suddenly faced me and the words just flowed out! "And what about you"... I was kind of caught off guard, I slowly titled my head up..."huh"? "You" she said, "Who are you?" The question kind of shocked me, but I searched for the answer and shyly,slowly, blurted out "Everyone...".

That was it! I lost myself! I decided my self worth and plunged back into a lifestyle that I thought I belonged, or I guess thought all I could amount to. I told myself that was it and I would go back to my "family" and in that world I lost myself. If you were to tell me when I was in it, I would of brushed you off. If I've only known. I became what I thought others wanted me to be, I acted like I thought people wanted me to act, I said what I thought people wanted to hear, and just lost myself. I can see how easily that can happen when you don't have a strong sense of SELF to begin with. Worst of all...all the negative energy, in a place that I decided...this is it, this is my life...unknowingly seeped in me. There was anger in me that was never mine to begin with.

That question combined with my outburst, ugh I cringe when thinking about it, I knew....THIS IS NOT ME, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! I applied for the fafsa, signed up for classes at PCC , asked my mom if I could move in and teleported my ass out of there like magic.

Now I can't blame that situation for all my circumstances, I realize alot of these things have been with me for a long time. Like attracts like after all. I also fully explain how this anxiety has heighted, like I said before, I was always a shy guy...but not at this level...maybe because I reached a all new low in mind,body and spirit who knows for sure.

Who knew going in I would vanish for a year, I was in a void, in a melodrama soap opera of drama and I slowly slipped away. If not for several miraculous (and I do mean miraculous) epiphanies who knows...maybe I would still be in the cycle of smoke,eat,yelling,pain,sleep,smoke,sex,yelling,smoke,eat,sleep,sex.

That feeling of...I dunno that I call detachment (which I realize may of been depression) should of been a sign. I don't know when that creeped in but it was months on end. The feeling was horrible now that I recall it, a nightmare really. When you talk you feel like as if your at a distance from everyone, you feel like an alien that no one understands. It's sad how desperate I was, asking anyone and everyone if they felt the same way hoping that they for some reason had the answer of what was wrong with me and how I could fix it.  I goggled terms and slowly tried breathing techniques, meditation, anything. Soon I turned to self help books, positive affirmations, I was gonna be happy and normal dammit!

Things slowly got better, not the anxiety but everything in general....there were moments just from my positive thoughts about the future and how far I made it was ecstatic....like ecstasy pill ecstatic, and I realized I wasn't happy like that...like I haven't feel glee...happiness for a while.

I swear after that question my mind was in self-reflection mode. I've realized alot. My whole life I've held up a sign 'I'm less than you, I'm a doormat, come come, step all over me' and ofcourse after I had enough I would get mad though I'm the one who held up the sign with pride and gusto.

Reflecting on my past I can see where it stems from. From that I had so much co-dependence on others, to the point I became them, disregarding how I felt and what I believed. Did I ever have a sense of my OWN self, of my OWN self worth? I dunno.

Well I do know one thing, I'm on a path to finding me. My values, my beliefs. It's sometimes hard to break away, you can be paranoid that everyone wants to hold you back but I know it's not the case. People are people, and we fear change. I have to find me.

Sometimes I can't believe it's in my mindset but I need spirituality in my life. I rejected religion at a very young phase in my life, I felt it was against, being gay after all. I was near atheist. I now know something divine permeates this universe and I know it has been guiding me for a long time, I just had to open my eyes to the the signs everywhere. Im still scared of labels and boxes but I no I have to reconnect with my spirit because all in all that is what we all are anyway.

2010 is my year of growth,reconstruction,realigning with my true self. I'm excited for my future, where ever it made lead. I feel like I'm finding little keys to happiness everyday and I learn,search and grow everyday. There has been plenty of bumps but I know those are a part of life, I just have to be strong and know myself so I can flow right through them. Im excited!





 
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Writer's Block: A rose by any other name ...   
10:03pm 23/01/2010
 
How did you choose your LiveJournal username? Is there an interesting story behind it?


I was actually just browsing the net and someone on a message board was explaining their username, they said it was the first two letters of their first middle and last name so I tried it with my name and it just sounded right...used it ever since...
 
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All Talk   
04:24pm 25/12/2009
  So yea. Christmas Day, I don't wanna be a scrooge but Christmas day has never been big with me. I totally get it, and maybe in the future I will really love it...but right now not so much.

As of lately i'm still thinking of my future. It's a mix of nervousness and excitement...but im also trying to think more realistic this time around. I notice I can pep myself up but sometimes I won't go through with my plans. Hopefully I am realizing want deters me from moving up. I looked a few years back in my journal and several times I've had the 'This is the big change for me' post and uh yea...not really.

I know a lot of it is rooted in my lack of self motivation,my self-conscious issues,etc...

I kind of like the idea of getting my certification because it's like...no excuses, work would be really good for me. To be doing SOMETHING.

I read so many things for self-improvement that would really have a positive aspect on me. From health to mental, like I have the blueprints to become a full complete person. It would really revamp and reconstruct me...but I know that goes back to my magically think me knowing this it will magically all come together and just happen.

Though I do really feel like I'm in a better place, like I'm back on the positive path...when I was in a really bad place before, heh. So I guess it's one step at a time...staying on the positive path.

Ugh just realizing how incredible and mysterious and massive this life really is...I want to find my place in it.

I've been thinking what do I want career wise. I have so many things swimming in my head and I'm trying to make it this one cohesive path and it's hard. Maybe that's the problem, I know I will always need my creative outlet but I need to be realistic about the career outlet. I have a super burn out rate so it's important that I find what is right...

I feel like all these outer influences are fogging up my decision making but maybe it's only my own fear manifesting. "Could I do that" "Will I be good enough" but ugh...I can't let that hold me any longer...life is wayyyyyyyyy to short...
 
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So yea...   
11:18pm 20/12/2009
  So yea. There is an excitement building inside knowing I will soon graduate the cna program....sometimes I believe I'm in the class. Yea I was a CNA formerly (which I did nothing at all with) but this feels like a real stepping stone. I just love the idea of a flexible job but I get to actually help people...the pay sucks yea, but I'm realizing I care about that less and less. My mom mentions how content I am with living in poverty...and I kind of am. I'm used to it...I'm not saying that's a great thing...but I am content with little.Do I want more? For sure...but I can be content. So going to that next small step feels good to me. I think I will always be a bohemian vagabond at heart anyway. I'm hoping to finish to the home health program in late February, get a place...a car...and just start living. It's weird...I haven't been living...I really haven't. I'm ready to live life...this life is so amazing...this world has so much abundance, I want to start living in it. I want to grow,learn and reach a higher potential.

Leaving PCC was a hard decision...but I realize I was not ready for that, which is ok. I was also almost doing it for other person and that has never led to something good. I enjoyed the experience, and it might very well be something I will enjoy in the future. But on my time, at my pace, and my path....

Out of the many reasons why I decided I wanted to leave the anxiety is the most upsetting for me. I guess I never wanted to be "that person" but I am that person. I knew I was shy person but I never thought I was the panic attack anxiety ridden type.I never knew my self confidence was that low. Though looking back this has effected my life massively. To becoming so introverted, to dropping out of school, to missing out on so many opportunities, to believing I wasn't good enough for this, or that. I was/am the archetype of the loner hermit geek.

I can be fine with the loner aspect, even the geek...but not so much the hermit. I realize now when life gets though I retreat back to my "shell" my safe place. I enter my fairy tale dream world where everything is swell. I can see where I first discovered the shell...moving from altadena to pasadena...to the "ghetto" of pasadena. We were the oddball family that talked "white", some of my family adapted...I retreated. I think my sexuality was a big part, the idea of my family constantly defending...gayvid...was just to much.

But it's funny to think...after going into the void in el monte, coming out I've become socially awkward. Combine that with the depression which makes my like ten times more sensitive it was not a pretty picture. Though I almost feel good because I can step back and see how I can get over this especially since I feel so much better.

It's just sad to think how I let this control me for so long,for so long i've worried what people thought of me...but through so many of these life lessons I realize I have zero reason to worry about what others think about me. Though old habits are hard to break, I need to truly connect to that mindset.

Knowledge has gotten me to this point so I will never take it for granted so I want to learn more and grow more....reading history has put this world in perspective for me...and just wow.

Though I'm starting to realize I might have ADD, which is why I may have suffered in school, I realize I have to try to super focus in class. I find myself doodling, something that I didn't worry about when I did it for most of high school and middle school.

Anywaze, im super tired, I think im gonna pop in yes man and head to bed...blah.
 
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Yes!   
10:31pm 20/12/2009
  So yea. First of all I'm starting to realize how I really need this journal, not just to get things out...but for reflection. These past few months have been such a flux of emotions,mindsets & thoughts. I was at my lowest lows and my highest highs...highs I haven't felt in a long time. It almost feels needed to document these things just to know how I crawled out of the depths...

My growth and perspectives have grown so vast so fast....it's sometimes hard to wrap my mind around it. It sometimes feel like I entered a higher level of consciousness but I can't hold onto it...I've never been so retrospective of my life...im finally starting to figure out who I am, and how past events shaped me into who I am...and who I want to be...

Fairy-tell thinking was my way of thinking, things will magically happen and this was a magically perfect world, with magically happy people. This isn't so but ya know...I still believe this is a magical world.

The things i've come to understand were/can be some what overwhelming but I think I finally reached a good place. Looking back on the path to this "good place" is almost surreal and only by a string of events have I gotten to this place. I'm not so afraid to say it now but I do realize I was suffering from depression, I don't know how severe but I can pretty much say it was so.

Coming out of it...I can say I am a much more spiritual person, I won't go into it...but I have a lot more faith in a higher power, I'm more aware of the signs, they are all around....I also have alot more faith in myself...I decided to myself I was going to get out of it and I did.....I told myself if I stay on a positive path I would make it through...and wow I did....

Still, I realize I do have many issues I need to work out, but ya know, im not stressing about it...I sorta know my place...where i'm at...and it's ok....im growing...and I can reach new heights, the sky is the limit. It's almost more exciting...this exciting adventure of life...

It's like i'm looking in the mirrior for the first time, facing my downfalls....my "negatives"...but also looking at my positives, something I may of ignored....I also know I am discovering more things I might not like....but im changing...im ready for change...I want to change...I want to be the best me. Though I must admit, change isn't easy...heh heh.

Well david...hope your ready....let's see how we can climb this time. There are no obstacles in your way, if you believe that, you can make it all the way. Let's do this...
 
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Epiphany Of Sorts   
09:59am 29/10/2009
  The Ohhhh moment/ guess knowledge is power/who would of thunk?/knowledge turning collective, unison that's when you get the thump/a glimpse of true reality/boy is it scary/but oh to see clearly/so worth it to see that the big things were just silly/free, believing that there is hope, possibilities/path attainable/now all explainable/can only go up/now can see through the dust of a false reality/true mentality/no more fallacies in the way/just a clear path/no traps/unless I slip/forget my glimpse and fall back down into the abyss/now it's up to me/since I see/a rare treat/now I know who I'm meant to be/the best of me/true me/true us/can't stop/won't stop till we reach the true us  
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Hate, Hate, Hate Hate Hate   
02:29pm 03/10/2009
  So yea. My mom asked me if anyone hates me because I make people the butt of all of my "jokes:, gasp!

Ever since a friend of a friend left a comment to me stating he wants me around so I can make fun of people I've been confused about the whole thing. I really never realized I was "that person" who tore other people apart for laughs. Through my eyes I was just going with the flow, never in my mind trying to be purposely malicious. I thought everyone was laughing so...and I've rarely been approached by anyone upset...so it's like ugh! But I really don't wanna be that person but now I feel like I'm always censoring my thoughts, when before it would just flow out. Yet I rather I not be "that person".
 
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Ughers   
06:59pm 17/09/2009
  So yea. Who knew coming from hermit/hobo living would be so hard! To think before basically falling into school I was hoboing it for a year+....it's a bit overwhelming, I haven't been in a true school atmosphere in a bit! My english teachers sounds "bloo blah, blee blee blee, bloo" my spanish teacher sounds like "blahh blahh bloo blahhhh" im like ahhhh! I don't know if this serious case of ADD is something I've always had or if just the stress of getting back into the grind of things is making me all spacey!

It's a mix of having bad planning, rushing and pretty much horrible planning skills...

As if being totally lost in class wasn't enough I still haven't gotten books for the classes needing hundreds of dollars to even pull that off, so im already falling behind and with no more book loans avaiable and my fincial aid not arriving ti'll ocotober my options are super limited and it's super frustrating!

I'm super broke, like super broke, trying to budget $40 for food,transporation,etc ti'll Oct is no bueno!

My health is all out of wack! I've been eating like shit, people assume im healthy because im slim, ha! BS, im constantly tired and drained...it's annoying...

To make matters worse, after venturing from my cave in el monte I soon realize I have some type of anxiety are something, my self indenity and confidence got really fried there. I know i've been a shy person before but eh....I over-analyze things in my head way more now...this added with that fact of starting school, isn't going to swell...

In spanish the teacher was going around making everyone say "Mi Amo" and their names...

As he was coming to me i'm all sweating, heart-beating, im all "mi mi a a amo da..." stuttering all oopid! lol...I actually had to start over...I need to squash that quick...maybe if I look less like a cave-man it would help....

I'm starting to think if I just go way over my head, or maybe i'm just being lazy....

I could super-grind, exercising any resource I could to get the money....go to the library scan and copy books to do work....but ughhh even if I did im still suffering with class.... I dunno....I really went into this with no real plan and now im a full-time student with no income or resources

Well I gotta come up with something, I know one of the main reasons my mom let me move in with her is because im going to school....though im thinking about dropping some of these classes to the shame of family and friends...

Ugh I just hope I make the right decision and from the right place

Atleast im enjoying music class....
 
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